Eating My Sorrows Away =(

The last couple of days.. weeks.. maybe even months have been heartbreaking. I've kept mum about it just because that's the type of person I am. Or it's because I always put aside my personal problems & never talk about them. Whatever problem I may have I just ignore it. I think I'm long overdue to vent.. I feel like I need therapy, again. =( You Zoloft commercial, "Depression hurts." Yes, I do believe it does. Emotionally & physically. I've been trying so hard to keep strong for my son & I, but tonight was definitely my breaking point. For the first time I cried.. worse, I cried in front of Ares. You know what he did.. he gave me comfort! He looked dead into my eyes & put his head to my chest & laid there. Which made me cry even more! The thought of an almost 8 month old knowing the emotional torment I was going through & how he acted upon it was surprising as hell! I love my son to death! Even if no one else does or will. I LOVE HIM!

Just an hour before my tears flooded my eyes.. his father had just left to go drink with his friends. The third time this week. And it's only Wednesday! Mark (Ares father) reached to Ares, who looked back at me for reassurance! Reassurance that the person who wished to carry him wasn't going to hurt him. I told Ares, "it's okay honey" so he went with his father. But the whole minute that Ares was in his father's arms, he kept pushing off to come back to me. What does this tell me? A lot! It tells me that my son doesn't feel safe or secure in his fathers arms! The my son doesn't find comfort being held by his own blood. Why? His father lacks maturity. He's out with his friends during his free time rather than spending hours with his son, whom right now is at a vulnerable stage in his cognitive development. I fear he won't love his father. But as long as he knows I'm always here for him, my baby boy should be just fine. We can't force someone to grow up if they don't wish to.

My birthday is coming this Tuesday, the 27th. I'll be another year older, duh! My only wish was to have some time to myself. If that's too much to ask for or if it makes me sound selfish then I guess I am selfish even if I don't mean to be. It will be 8 long months since I've had any time to myself. That's right. Eight months since I've had any mommy time!Why? Cause I can't stand the thought of not being there for Ares. And Ares can't stand not having me around. He cries & looks for me when he wakes up. If I'm not around he will look & crawl. At night, when he wakes up he touches my face in the dark for comfort. A definite mama's boy! You can't blame him since I am his primary & only care taker. I wouldn't change that for anything!

I should really get my laundry folded & put away. I also need to pack since Ares & I are leaving tomorrow morning. No, not leaving like that! Just for the holidays & weekend. The usual routine! Leave for Monterey (my home) Thursday & usually come back to Milpitas (home away from home) on Sundays. But since it's the holidays we may be stuck down there for a while. Anywho, I really should get going. Like I said, we leave in the morning.. 6am to be exact & no later.

Until my next blog post! HAPPY HOLIDAYS! Hope everyone has a safe one!